Bringing a Multiracial Baby Into a Color-Conscious World

That is the title of an article that I came across this morning while reading my daily news and updates. I thought it was a GREAT and well written article and I laughed a bit, because my family deals with this issue every single day. Make sure to read the article below!

I am a Caucasian girl with white skin and light features. I married a Hawaiian boy with dark skin and very dark features. When you are with someone who looks a lot like yourself, you won't quite know how this feels. People who are married or dating someone with similar features don't get stared at very often. But Erwin and I...well, we always get looks in public. Although it is not as uncommon to see different races together, it still provides something different to look at than what is usually still the "norm." A brown boy with a white girl. A white girl with a brown boy. Where is she from? Where is he from? We get lots of looks, and often lots of questions. When talking to people, there is usually no discomfort, but the stares sometimes can be awkward, and often I wonder what they are thinking.

But now, we have a child! Now things have taken a twist even more with the race card! I have many friends who married a man of Polynesian decent, and their children almost always come out looking more like their dark father than their white mother. But my child? He is much lighter than Erwin. A whiter looking boy! He was much more Asian and tan when he was a baby. But as he as grown, he has kept his dark brown eyes, but now has lighter colored hair and light skin, and his Asian eyes are not so slanted anymore. (But Asian looking enough that everyone asks me if he has an Asian dad) In this article, it talks about how that is also a challenge as well for parents--who have to explain over and over to people, Dr's, teachers, on applications, etc., that their child is not ALL white. It has been so interesting for me to have a son who is a mixed race. In public, I used to get stares when he was a small baby, because we looked so different. But now he looks so much like me, it doesn't faze people. But when they ask what his name is...sheesh! It get complicated. I usually smile, say his name slowly and then immediately give an explanation that he has a Hawaiian dad, hence the unusual name. It's usually followed with an uncomfortable smile (because people can't pronounce it) and then the statement of "I never would have thought he was Hawaiian! Asian maybe, not not Hawaiian!" ugh. Yeah, yeah, I know. 

Now this has affected Erwin too. You should see the stares that we get when it is Erwin holding the baby in public and not me. A dark brown Poly guy, holding a much fairer skinned child. Most people will figure it out seeing us together, that we are a family and Wa'akea is our son. But does anyone question if it's Erwin's biological son? They look so different. Could it be possible? Since people don't understand genetics very well or know either of our family history, it makes sense that it looks different than expected. (everyone expects a dark baby if they have a dark daddy) 

"Mixed-race couples also must try to agree on which of their ethnicities the child will identify as his own — for example, African-American, white or both." This is a clip from the article below. It's SO true. We get this all the time. People ask us if our child will be raised more by the Hawaiian culture and if we will do all we can to have him identify more with being Hawaiian than anything else. Luckily, Erwin and I support each others background and try to be sensitive about the culture and traditions and want our kids to have both.

But the point is, we are two different people of two different races and cultures. It is a blessing and a challenge we have as a family. But outside of the home, we still get stares every single day. We get questions. We get awkward silence. But, we also get lots of attention, in a positive way. Lots of people think it's so cool that Erwin is from Hawaii and have lots to say about that. ;) Lots of people love Wa'akea's name and think it sounds beautiful and different. Some people even say that he look so much like Erwin. So trust me, it's not all bad or weird. It's just different.

I hope my son doesn't ever feel judged or different for having a white mom and a brown dad. I hope that he doesn't feel upset every time he might have to convince someone that he really does have Hawaiian in him. I hope he doesn't get teased for being more white looking by friends or family, especially if everyone around him is dark. I hope no one teases him about his Asian eyes. I hope no one teases him for being multi cultural and bi-racial But I hope he knows that it's okay to be different with two different looking parents. There is nothing wrong with being white, and there is nothing wrong with being brown.

We are living in a melting pot, and so like I mentioned before...people now are much more accepting and understanding of a mixed family. The shock factor isn't as harsh and there are so many mixed and blended families out there, that it's not much to bat an eyelash at anymore. BUT, it's still different. It's still not what you see more of than not, and it still can cause a challenge when facing those who aren't ok with it or have serious staring problems. 

SO, if you are in a family with people who are all different colors, OR on in a family who all look the same but are from different cultures, it gives a lot for us to think about and to be prepared for the challenges ahead for our children. So I enjoyed this article and how it reminded myself to remember to be sensitive to my children as well as other families in the same boat. 

Here is the article below. Enjoy.

BRINGING A MULTIRACIAL BABY INTO A COLOR-CONSCIOUS WORLD:

As a child, Janice — who has a Japanese father and an African-American mother — often felt that she wasn’t completely accepted by either community.

Now in her 30s, Janice and her husband, Michael, who is African-American, are discussing starting their own family. But she worries that her children will suffer the same confusion and hurt that she experienced while growing up.

“My family never talked about race,” Janice says. “That was left for me to figure out, mostly through painful trial and error.”

More children than ever face the same potential challenge. While America has long been a cultural melting pot, a growing number of today’s marriages are their own mini-melting pots. Thus, the number of mixed-race babies is on the rise. Especially in communities where mixed-race unions had been rare until recently, these children are prompting people to think, more than ever, about race, identity and the new families being formed.

Of course, mixed-race children create opportunities for families and others to learn, grow and celebrate diversity. But difficulties also can arise, and to minimize them, prospective parents need to plan ahead. “Couples should talk about race issues and how they’ll handle them before they get pregnant,” says Harvard Medical School psychiatrist Alvin F. Poussaint, M.D.

Bias Begins at Home
Many interracial couples must deal with the issues of race and prejudice within their own families. Nica, who is African-American, remembers that even before she and husband Daniel, who is white, were engaged, their relatives asked, “What about the kids?” Again, the key is to have conversations about the issue with family members before the child is born; waiting until afterward may lead relatives to knowingly or unknowingly express negative messages to the child.

“Having such discussions can lead to great conflict but ultimately great understanding as well,” says psychiatrist Kyle D. Pruett, M.D., author of Me, Myself and I: How Children Build Their Sense of Self: 18 to 36 Months (Goddard Press, 1999).

Mixed-race couples also must try to agree on which of their ethnicities the child will identify as his own — for example, African-American, white or both. “The issue of your child’s identity should not be handled any differently than the way you’ve already coped with being an interracial couple or any other issue,” says James P. Comer, M.D., a child psychiatrist at Yale University and co-author, with Poussaint, of Raising Black Children (Plume, 1992). “In the end, it’s all about discussion and compromise.”

Another factor to consider is how the child’s appearance may affect the way people treat him. Just be aware that appearance isn’t always predictable. For example, parents may find themselves explaining that despite their baby’s fair skin, blond hair and blue eyes, he is also African-American, Asian, Latino or something else. “The world will judge, classify and treat your baby based on the superficial — how he or she looks,” says Comer. That can mean being treated prejudicially. “Being biracial usually isn’t a problem for a child until someone else makes it one,” he adds.

For that reason, Poussaint advises parents not to ignore their children’s racial makeup. “Not talking about race with them could leave them unprepared to deal with racism if or when they are confronted with it,” he says.

The Kindness (and Unkindness) of Strangers
Joan is East Indian and has dark skin. Her husband, Matthew, is Caucasian, with blond hair and blue eyes. Their daughter, Marie, is a mixture of both, with gray-blue eyes and brown skin. Once, at the beach, a man commented on Marie’s deep “tan,” then continued to ask intrusive questions about the child’s appearance.

While Matthew simply laughed off the man’s pestering, such situations can be opportunities to educate other people. In fact, Pruett encourages taking an explanatory rather than a confrontational approach to tactless questions or remarks; responding angrily can do more harm to a child then the comment itself.

Nica, whose daughter looks Caucasian, came to understand that most such remarks are innocently motivated. “People would assume I was the nanny, and that made me angry,” she says. “But then I looked around the park. Most of the babies were white and the nannies were brown, so in a way, it was a natural assumption.” Eventually, Daniel made Nica a T-shirt that says, “No, I’m not the nanny.”

“I don’t get angry anymore,” Nica says. “Most of the time, when people ask obnoxious questions, I realize they do it mainly out of curiosity, and that makes them say things without thinking first.”

Downplaying the Race Card
By being secure in their own identity and infusing their family life with mini-lessons about heritage, parents of mixed-race babies can help their children develop a healthy sense of self. “Parents should expose their children to friends, experiences and activities that relate to both of their backgrounds,” says Poussaint. You can also use pictures and stories to teach your children about their heritage (see “Resources” at left). In the process, encourage them to see race as more about culture than appearance.

Just keep in mind that as in any family, the main goal is to raise a healthy, happy child. “In the final analysis,” Pruett says, “race and ethnicity are only second-level concerns.” Or, as Daniel puts it: “The act of becoming a parent is so much bigger than the sideline issue of race.”