Clara Joy Kekaimalie Wright

Hi my sweet girl,

I am so sorry to be writing to you just know, almost 3 months since youve been born. I've had awful health issues that have kept me from keeping up. I will write more about you and all your wonderful-ness, but now it is time to talk about your birth!

Moni had been staying with us for a few days, and you were 9 days overdue. I was getting anxious and wishing so badly that you were going to come. 9 days over due feels like eternity, but, I had a really good pregnancy with you and actually didn't feel too bad, which was great!

Well, contractions came (which wasn't new really) late Saturday night. This time, they were more painful and stronger, so I had dad time them. 8 minutes apart seemed to be the norm, so I waited for as long as I could until they came closer together. Finally, the pain was so bad and the contractions were 4 minutes apart that we decided to head to the hospital. We let Moni know and we headed off! I was in such a hurry to get there, that I got mad at dad for taking a route that I thought was longer and more congested. Poor dad. I was so bugged.

We finally made it, and with tears in my eyes from the pain ,we checked into a room at around 1:15 a.m.  I was really frustrated, bc it was cold, dark and empty, and no one came to welcome us or check on us for almost 20 minutes. Hello?! I'm in labor here! It really bothered me. My contractions worsened terribly.  At one point, I had to go to the bathroom, and after I was done, the contractions were so bad that I was screaming. I could barely get back up from the toilet and I couldn't seem to make it back to the bed. I kept looking at your dad and sobbing while saying "oh honey! honey!" I could not believe how incredibly awful it was--it felt like bones were breaking. I had heard contractions could be bad, but this was excruciating. Finally the nurse came (not very nice and I felt sad about that) She got me in a gown and hooked me up to meds and machines and went on her way. 

I was in so much pain, that I tried my best to stay strong. But, I wasn't dilated or effaced enough to have you be coming any time soon, so I eventually asked for an epidural. This is where my biggest trial of my life would happen, and I didn't even know it...

The anesthesiologist came in, and he seemed ok. Nothing special or especially friendly. When I had my epidural with Wa'a, I was sitting up and bent over while the nurse held my hand and walked me through it. This time, there was no comforting nurse and the Dr had me laying down on my side, in fetal position. All of a sudden, I had a bad contraction. I let the Dr know this and asked if we could wait. He coldy told me no and to just hold still. I was surprised that he didn't want me to wait out the pain. All of a sudden I felt a sharp prick and I flinched. The dr seemed to get mad at me and told me: "I told you to hold still." I was furious he said that. There was no talking me through anything or any warning. I felt the prick again and tried to stay calm. All of a sudden, my entire body from the mid waist down went numb. SO quickly. I let him know that, and he seemed startled and surprised. "Oh really?" he said. Uh...yeah, really. He eventually let me know that he had pierced my spinal space, which is NOT a good thing. Therefore, my body went numb right away and the catheter from the epidural had to stay in even after birth to let the hole heal as much as possible before pulling it out. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew that I quickly started to feel very sick. All the nurses looked shocked and sad when they heard the news and told me that this rarely happens to patients. I was so scared.

Over time, my arms started to go numb and even my ear lobes felt it too. I got extremely nauseous and I remember looking at your dad with tears running down my face and fearfully and asking him if I was gonna be ok. I could feel my heart racing in a panic as my body lost complete feeling and control and I was limp and dead weight. I couldn't understand what was going on and I was terrified. I all of sudden turned pale and started to gag and couldn't breathe. They nurses put a bag up to my mouth and I started to dry heave and throw up a little. I thought I was going to pass out. It was so..... scary. Losing complete control of most of your body is physically and emotionally traumatic. I was exhausted and felt like I couldn't breathe and I became scared to fall asleep. I kept looking at your dad for peace and comfort. Dad has a recording on his phone while I was waiting for you to come. I hope you see it one day. I knew in the moments I was talking about how this was all going to be worth it, that it really, truly, would be. No matter how scared or awful I felt. I knew you were worth it. 

Hours and hours went by and Sunday morning came. I got new nurses who turned out to be wonderful and my body started to calm down a bit. I still wasn't progressing fast, so they broke my water and we waited some more. I was told that having a vaginal after a c-section is very difficult, and I had prayed and prayed that we could get you here naturally so I could avoid major surgery. So we tried all sorts of positions with my legs to see if you could come. More hours passed and you still weren't here, so they started me on pitocin, which scared me bc usually that leads to c-sections. You moved around a ton, that they pricked your head with a heart monitor so they could make sure they always knew how you were doing. All of sudden, the nurse said that you dropped and that I was dilated and completely effaced. "She's coming! I gotta go get the Dr!" No Dr came...and the nurse realized that someone needed to be there with me asap, bc you were coming quick! Finally, a Dr showed up and gave me the great news that you were coming vaginally and fast. They had me hold my legs tight up to my chest and asked dad to count 10 seconds for me while I pushed. I couldn't believe it! Here I was, having my dream (sort of) vaginal birth! Husband by my side and me pushing with all my might to get my baby girl here. 

We had talked to Nana about a half hour before to ask her to come to the hospital since I was so close to having you! Before I knew it, I  heard muffled voices and a nurse ask someone to wait in the hallway. When I found out it was my mom, I begged the nurse to let her in. I was thrilled that she showed up right as you were about to make your appearance. As I sat there pushing with all my might, I remembered something tender that my mom had told me a few days before. (She had this experience after I wept and confided in her that I was so scared this time around to give birth for some reason) She let me know she had a beautiful experience of seeing angels, both brown skinned and white skinned-- encircling me to help me through getting Clara here. So while I was exhausted and overwhelmed, I started to imagine a circle of angels above me, watching and cheering me on and giving me strength, while helping you come on your own into the world. With everything that I had gone through up to that point, I knew I needed heavenly help. I felt comforted and blessed.  

The Dr couldn't believe it. I pushed so hard and so fast, that you came! "She has black hair!" they exclaimed! They had dad cut the cord and then they put you right on me. I started to weep. "You little stinker. You took forever getting here." I said to you as I cried and hugged you and started at your face. With Wa'a, they wisked him away from me and I couldn't be with him or hold him for hours after he was born. It was awful and lonely and I missed those beginning moments with him. And now here I was, holding you right away and getting skin to skin and loving on you from the start. You had a nice set of lungs, but seemed to calm down quickly. You were beautiful. I got so emotional and started to wept. I didn't want you to leave my chest ever, and we were able to sit together and enjoy the moments of your fresh, new life. 

You weighed 7 lbs. You had a thin layer of black hair. You looked more tan and Hawaiian to me than your brother did. You were calm and angelic, and that is why I call you my angel girl. Because little did I know that in the days that would follow bringing you home, would be the worst. And I would need you to be my angel baby, and you were.

You brother came to meet you the next day I think. We had planned for him to get a fun, green and talking dinosaur toy from you as a gift. :) In return, dad was sneaky and had ordered 2 beautiful bracelets as gifts from him and Wa'a for you! One is gold and the other jade. They are gorgeous. Wa'a didn't really understand much of what was going on, and was more confused as to why I was there and stuck in a bed, but it was sweet to see him kiss you and hug you. Who knew that from that day forward you were gonna be his biggest fan?

I stayed in the hospital 2 more days after that. I was warned that bc of the Dr piercing my spinal space, that I would get spinal headaches, so I had to be flat on my back almost the entire day. It was super rough and trying to nurse you laying flat was awful. I had to have so much help from the nurses and from Nana. They had to leave the epidural catheter in me so extra fluid wouldn't drain even faster from my brain. Which meant I had to have a urinal catheter as well. 

One day, it felt like a burning metal rod was going down from my lower back into my butt. It hurt so bad, that the nurses had to call a Dr to come look at me. I'm not sure what he did, but he tried to adjust it to help me. I screamed (no really, I screamed loud) and wept in pain. I begged him to stop. It was awful and felt like I knife was being thrashed through my back. He was so concerned that he took out the catheter and said it wasn't worth it to keep it in me. To this day, I still feel pain in that exact area. 

Hours passed and all the nurses had different opinions about what had happened to me and if I were going to get spinal headaches or not. I was personally getting a headache from not getting a consistent answer on what exactly happened to me and what my future held in store healing wise. 

 Ugh. Eventually, they offered me something called a blood patch. They take blood from your body and basically shoot it into the hole where you are pierced. It is supposed to harden and help close up the hole to stop more of your brain fluid from leaking and assist in a better recovery. Dad was gone helping take care of Wa'a, and Nana was with me when I had the procedure done. And it was done by the same guy who knicked me in the first place! I was so stressed. They claimed this helped over 50 percent of patients with their headaches. Little did I know, you are supposed to wait a day or 2 before giving the blood patch work in order for it to be effective. Mine was given less than 24 hours after...

Needless to say, it didn't work. And the day we left the hospital was not so great, bc that is when the spinal headaches started. It was so hard to shower and get dressed and leave with Dad and Wa'a. It wasn't exciting. It was painful and scary. But, we eventually made it out of there and off to start a new journey together as a family of 4.

I am so glad you came to this family, my angel girl. Despite the pain and the spinal piercing, I never doubted for one second that this wasn't all going to be worth it. You bring a calmness and peace with you that truly influences our family, and are so pleased that your Hawaiian name coincides with your spirit. You are our calm sea (waters) that will carry us. We love you.