Spinal Headaches

Every time I think about my experience of giving birth to Clara, I get really emotional. In both the grateful way and the traumatized way. I almost always cry.

Spinal headaches are no joke. I had no idea the experience I was in for when we arrived home with our newest addition. Part of me wants to write on and on about what I went through with the pain and depression--just to try to get people to really and truly understand how awful it was for me. But then I realize that no one on this entire earth can ever truly understand.

I am still traumatized from the spinal piercing. I had no idea that birth and bad experiences could actually cause a form of PTSD. Did you? I knew giving birth could be hard, scary and even deadly at times, but until you are the one in the middle of something scary and awful, you have no idea. I had to have a physician tell me that I was suffering from PTSD and suggested for me therapy or anxiety medication. But looking back at it all now, emotionally, I have a long way to go, but I am slowly healing. 

Having my mother in law and sister in law there to help out was a huge blessing. I desperately needed someone to watch the kids and help around the little apartment. Neither one of them complained at the situation and were always ready and willing to come and take whatever child or do whatever else needed to be done. They were angels. Drinking A LOT of caffeine was on my to-do-list from the Dr's as well. So I had about a hundred Dr. Pepper's and Diet Coke's a day. They did help!

Erwin would stay with me in the room while I sobbed from the pain. He would help me change and bathe and eat. But usually none of those things were even physically possible because of the pain. 

Do you know what it's like to feel like your head is being crushed and pressurized by what seems like, a million pounds of weight? I almost passed out from the pain at times. Going to the bathroom became a 10 minute ordeal and the most dreaded thing to have to do. I seriously ever wondered if I would ever be able to put my hair in a towel again, or get up to walk from room to room without a headache or feel beyond nauseous from the pain. I was devastated and exhausted and overwhelmed. 

On top of my physical pain, I was emotionally a wreck. Tears would fall as I could hear Wa'a crying out for me and sobbing--wondering why he couldn't come see me or have me hold him. I was devastated that I never got to spend a lot of time with my baby and just soaking her in, because I was in too much pain. I couldn't even sit up to hold her and breastfeeding was so hard, I had to stop a lot and hand her off to be bottle fed. I was crushed. I ached for my children who were little and didn't understand. I ached for time with them, bonding moments and moments of happiness. But the entire apartment was filled with seriousness and gloom and worry. 

I started to feel resentful. Confused. Angry. Worried. Sad. I just couldn't understand what was happening to me and why. Being stuck in bed--laying down all day, every day and not being able to do anything or see anyone, was extremely depressing for me. I started to slip into a very lonely and sad place and it was awful. I remember looking at Erwin and begging him to help me understand my trial; pleading with him to tell me when it was all going to get better. I even wept in his arms and asked him "Where is my God?" 

If this sounds dramatic, it is. Truly, the pain you go through is dark and lonely and long and devastating. On top of that, you have a husband who is trying to take care of you and your kids and keep a strong face. I don't know how Erwin did it, but I couldn't have done it without him. But my point is, that what I went through caused me a lot of emotional trauma. The weeks of pain caused me to be depressed and in anguish. It all made sense to me why the Dr's told me to come back for therapy later after I healed. Apparently this is common among other mom's who go through this.  

BUT, I cannot let you read on about this dark time, without understanding that because of this, the most incredible and beautiful things happened with my relationship with my Savoir. I did not give up. I did not give in. (For very long) And I chose to seek my Savior and see Him in my darkest hours. And let it be known--He appeared. He was on my right hand and my left. And his light was my beacon to make it through. He never left me, not once. I just had to see it. And I did. And I understand more now how this ended up being one of the most wonderful trials for me. To be continued....