The kids

I feel like we are in the middle of most parents' worst everyday nightmare- parent down. There are certainly worse things that can happen, but that's why I said "everyday nightmare."  Having a parent that's actively involved in a 2-parent household "down and out", is devastating to the ecosystem of the household. When that parent is the mom, it's an F5 tornado that's situated itself over the household. For 6 weeks I was instructed to be on my tush, with my foot elevated unless I was "crutching" to the bathroom or doing my exercises. Such intensity of 1st-world proportions.

As God would have it, my friends, family, and church all stepped in immediately to help. My mother-in-law flew right away from Hawaii to come and take care of our little family day and night. Cami has brought food almost weekly, and offered comfort and care for the kids. My parents have taken the kids every Saturday (and some Fridays) for the entire day to give us a break and take the kids to museums and parks. Neighbors and ward members were kind in bringing meals and our EQ President in serving us in ways that went above and beyond. 

At first, I felt like everyone was going to know how to adjust with how our life was going to be for the long 6 weeks, and that we could be ok.

To everyone except for Wa'a. No, wait. Except for Clara. No...wait. Except for both.

My broken leg is the worst thing that has ever happened to my children.

My sweet 3-year-old boy with the energy of Taz and need for consistency, was thrown into a vortex of different family for 4 nights (which was fun for a the first few nights but he tired of it quickly), an altered schedule, and a mom that couldn't jump in the car for afternoon playground runs, or even just easily take them outside to the park or backyard. All of this has been left in the hands of others (or simply just not done at all) as I sit on the couch, chair, or in my bed. This is very hard for Wa'a. He yearns for me to give him his morning piggy back rides, cuddles on the love sack and walks in the stroller and do our daily cooking or art time. But I can't, and that has dampened his fun and made him stir crazy and needy.

He has the support of family to help in so many ways, but unless Mommy does it, he finds it frustrating and sad. His behavior has changed and his life at home is upside down. 

Clara has been heartbreaking for me in a different way. Where as Wa'a can understand that I have an "ouchie" on my leg, she does not. She has no understanding of why her once consistent care taker and momma cannot take care of her in the ways she is used to. She cries for me to pick her up. I can't. She screams for me to get her a bottle, or get her when she wakes up from her crib. It's hard. She needs me to bounce her and play with her and put her on my shoulders for our playtime. And I can't. The looks of confusion, sadness and frustration from her are at times heartbreaking for me. And she had learned over all these weeks, that I am not the mommy I once was for her. (luckily this will soon be over!) But she now seeks out her daddy more for love and comfort or getting her needs met, and that hurts my mommy heart when she rejects me. And I know why she does it and I get where she is coming from, but I still hate it deeply. 

As I sit and watch like a bystander, it is difficult for me. The kids make a mess and I can't bend down to clean it up. Clara puts something she shouldn't in her mouth and then runs away and I can't catch up to her to get it out. Wa'a will be naughty and hide and I cant get him. I want to change their diapers or dress them, but I can't carry them to their room or use my strength to catch them. They cry for me to hold them or interact with them more and I simply can't do much besides sit and hold them. And while the fact that I am home, alive, and still get to be with my kids is a HUGE blessing, this has still been very hard on my mommy heart.

These 5 weeks had been an incredibly hard trial, with the usual glimpses of God's love and glow of the many blessings that He has given us. The road to recovery is not even far from being over, and I forsee still many tears and frustration. But we are BLESSED. And finding joy in journey. I couldn't possibly learn what the Lord would have me to, without this trial. And I'm grateful.