3 months

My physical therapist pointed out to me that it has been 3 months since our car accident. October 24th was the fateful day, and just him mentioning it, brought up a lot of anxiety and gut wrenching feelings. 

When I talk about my leg or how I'm doing physically, it doesn't bother me much. But when people ask me to tell them about what happened, (who, when, what , where, why) and try to dig deeper into the emotional aspect of it, I still get really emotional and upset. My heart starts to race and I feel overwhelmed with panic, guilt, sadness, fear and pain. 

I'm getting better. And I completely believe that talking about hard things can be so cathartic and healing, but to be honest it's still a very sore spot for me. 

The actual accident was awful. Like scary, chaotic awful. But it's what followed the accident that really felt dark and lonely. But I'll expand on that some other time.

When I think about it, it feels like yesterday. I remember everything, even down to the last detail. Every face, every word said by me, all the kind strangers, the cries from my babies, all the Dr's, the morphine needle in my arm while in the ambulance, and every single feeling that came over me. 

But when I look at these pictures, I also weep tears of gratitude. How could something so scary and awful, lead to results of such comfort and thankfulness? 

Because God was with us that day. That I know with my entire soul. 

I was buckled. My kids were buckled. Erwin was not, but my seat saved him from flying. No one else was hurt. Kind people comforted me and my family. Extended family came to serve and love us. And I was able to receive medical care. 

I'm still healing. Not just physically but emotionally. I carry so much in my heart from that night, and I still can't drive without having panic attacks, or look at Erwin's scar on his face without feeling the sting of guilt and sorrow.

But God is good. He is constant in His comfort and His hand is always extended to lift me up. 

X-ray of my broken leg. Clean break through both bones. 

Waiting in the ER to see more Dr's

This Dr told us he legally wasn't allowed to help Erwin since he hadn't checked in as a patient. But he had such a good heart and clean him up anyway and then put butterfly stitches on his wound. 

I am so grateful for that massive seat belt burn on my neck. It saved me. 

I didn't take any of these pictures of me and I hate most of them bc of the way I look. But they are also a reminder of that night. 

I had nurses come in all day and all night. This was at 4:13 in the morning. I was so exhausted the entire stay.

My mom took this. Erwin is brushing my hair, which felt so good.

My view for 3 days. 

I actually did take this picture. This is me on the stretcher being taken off the ambulance and into the ER.