Clara Joy Kekaimalie

This is Clara Joy. Aka Kekai and Chunky Monkey

She giggles while playing Peek-a-boo

She has such a beautiful face

She loves music and dancing

She is very independent

Bath time is a must for her

She adores her brother

She is so sweet

She is messy and loves it

Her two must haves are her bottle and blanket

She's a sucker for suckers

She finally likes the grocery cart

She loves the outdoors

She is very easy going and calm 

She loves to go on bike rides

She loves being splashed and playing in water

She loves her dad something fierce

She has favorite hang out spots

She loves, loves playing with toothbrushes

Eating tomatoes and giggling makes for a good combo

She is fearless

She is funny

She can be very serious

She naps so well

You will always find her on top of the table

She loves to paint and play with sand

But drawing and scribbling is her passion

She smiles so easily

And also, Clara Joy is delayed.

She doesn't talk.

She struggles to communicate.
She hits her head when mad.

Taking care of her is like taking care of a newborn.

Is she hungry?

Is she tired?

Does she need a diaper change?

 Does she feel sick?  

I don't know bc she doesn't tell me. I only guess by how the day has gone.

There are many other things that she doesn't do. I have a long list.

This is not normal for a child her age.

She is extremely behind.

At 19 months, Her Dr recommended that I call an agency to come and evaluate her.

I did. 

A nice lady confirmed my fears of her delays.

They threw the word "Autistic" around for good measure.

They offered to put her on a waiting list for a special preschool.

They want to work with her in our home multiple times a month.

I sobbed after they left.

I still cry. 

Every.single.day. 

No joke.

Sometimes I catch myself realizing about how my vision of her has shifted.

And sometimes it is emotionally exhausting and depressing.

I trust with time these feelings and thoughts will change.

But for now...

Instead of seeing a future of possibilities I see a future of limitations.

Instead of admiring her uniqueness and quirks, I worry they are signs of autism.

Instead of  seeing her happy and popular, I worry about her being bullied or lonely. (biggest fear)

Instead of people loving on her for how amazing she is, I wonder if they will feel confused or feel bad for her. And me.

Instead of planning a "normal" future for her, I wonder if she will need a special classroom with accommodations. I wonder if she will stay behind everyone else.

I worry about her needs being met by others.

 Will I be a special needs mom?

Will one day she talk?

Or point?

Or put two and two together?
And if she does, will she still be autistic?

Being a mother is the most connecting thing to Heaven for me.
And just like the Lord has high hopes for our lives here on earth, I have those for Clara.
And then to realize that maybe those hopes, dreams and plans you had for your child might not happen, it is soul crushing. 

I am supposed to take comfort that it is "too early" to really tell long term.

And I'm supposed to take comfort in the fact that even if she is Autistic, she could be considered high functioning.

I should be singing praises that she is getting early intervention.

But they don't comfort me at all right now.

I dare any mom out there to tell me they wouldn't feel sad, scared and worried about their child if you were told that something might be "wrong" with them.

There are 5 stages of grief.

I am stuck in the stages of depression and anger.

Then I go to the stage of grief immediately after.
This causes me to weep tears I didn't know existed.

I know I am a strong and faithful person. 

I know that my gratitude will overwhelm my heart and the anger will cease.

I know my Savior will comfort me and offer me peace and understanding in ways only heaven can.

But with this particular trial, I feel weak, alone, scared.

And sometimes I want to yell out to God and say:

"Why, Lord? Why?!? Have you seen all that I have gone through in these past 2 yrs?!? Most people tell me they could never go through what I did. I've paid my dues! And now THIS? I can't take anymore!! Please get me through this. I'm scared for my baby and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this."

I have heard stories of kids who are just like Clara, and with lots of hard work, they progress and are completely "normal", with no issues at all.

It can happen. 

It could happen to her.

Or it could not.
I haven't been offered much hope.

If it bothers you how depressing and angry I sound about my own child's future, trust me, no one hates it more than I do.

Both Erwin and I struggle. 

We are scared.

We are worried.
We sometimes deny it.
We (mostly me) cry about it often.
We feel frustrated and overwhelmed.
We feel angry.
We feel protective.

Because we are both human.

And we both love Clara more than anyone could ever comprehend.

BUT.
I also feel hopeful.
God has blessed me with so many people and families and friends that know what I am going through.
The love and support from so many is incredible.
 The many resources available to Clara is encouraging.
Christ's love for her is obvious in her smile, good health, laugh and amazing spirit.

She is mine. But she is His. And He will take care of her.
And I must let Him take care of me and my tender mommy heart.


We have yet to  have an official diagnosis of anything. For now, we are starting small with teachers who come into our home twice a month to work with her.
But it will increase and soon life will be so much of Clara and getting her help.

Thank you for all of the love, texts, phone calls, emails, and support from so many.