*Sarah shares*

"What? I had no idea. Gee. How are you not angry at God? I mean, how can you not feel like He is abandoning you? How can you just accept that your life is not balanced with the bad AND the good?"

This friend is a dear person to me. And her blunt questions did not bother me. I felt a little on the spot, but I knew why she was asking, because I've asked myself the same questions before.

I once had a therapist tell me that I have gone through more traumatic trials in a short amount of time, than some people do in a lifetime. And when I sat and reflected about that statement, I actually felt bothered with the Lord. There are fleeting moments where the natural man in me, along with the influence of the adversary, flares and I feel confused and upset. Thank goodness God is loving and forgiving of me. But thinking of my trials caused me to pause and reflect.

I have:

*Been diagnosed with beginning stages of skin cancer at 21. 

*Sat in a Dr's office with my parents, while he told us that I might have MS or a brain tumor.

*Had emergency c-section

*Had my spinal space pierced during birth and had spinal headaches for 3 weeks

*Had a serious kidney infection which landed me in the ER

*Had mystery pain for one entire year, which caused vomiting and indescribable crushing pain of my ribs. Three different Dr's couldn't figure out it was my freaking gallbladder.

*Lost my third child at 12 1/2 weeks pregnant.

*Had surgery to remove baby and gallbladder at same time.

*Was in an incredibly scary car accident which broke both bones in my leg.

*Had surgery on said leg, and was unable to live my life for over 2 months. I still have awful pain in my leg to this day.

*Have had numbness and pain in my nerves and muscles come back, which led to more MRI's to check for MS all over again. Still no answers.

*Coming up on one year of infertility, which has broken my heart of not being able to grow my family.

*I have been told that my almost 2 yr old daughter is delayed and probably has Autism. 

*I have had my husband sit me down and tell me that we literally have no money, and that we need to live off of food storage.

*My sister lives far away and my brother is often non existent.

Most of these trials are not obvious to the human eye. So most people don't know that we struggle emotionally on so many different levels of heartache and stress every single day. And trust me, I am one who whole heartily believes in counting blessings and knowing that I am indeed richly blessed despite all these things,

But I'm tired.

I'm sometimes angry. Jealous of others. Sad. Bothered. Overwhelmed. 

My  friend continued to grill me. "But don't you want a break? How can you be happy for everyone else in your life who has things relatively easy in all the ways that you yearn for? What stops you from being angry?"

Did I mention that this friend is a non member, who doesn't believe in God? Yeah, I felt like this was getting too complicated with her. 

And I wish I could have given her an easy, cushy answer. The kinds of answers where I'm smiling and keep telling her how faithful I am and how patient and trusting I'll be. But, I didn't.

So I told her the truth. If we make life a competition, we will always lose. If we compare our lives to others (oh man, I am still working on this) you will always be unhappy. And for ME, as Sarah, my trials are freaking devastating. And sometimes I cry so hard I can't breathe. So no, just because I believe in God doesn't take what I am feeling away. It doesn't mean that I am Superwoman who can endure everything. And I have no idea why Heavenly Father allows certain things to happen or what grander life plan He has for me.

But I know that somewhere, there is a light. And I see it flicker often enough in my darkness, that I don't want to give up. That sometimes when I pray, I feel a warmth flood my heart. That sometimes I find someone who sees my hardships, and doesn't try to discredit them, but rather are willing to sit with me and hold my hand. 

These things are enough to hold on and to not be hurt and angry all the time. These things offer some sort of hope.  These things show me that Jesus loves me. And that is enough for me to keep going.  

I shared with my friend that I know my Savior loves me. He died to show me that! And even if my leg always hurts, and if I can never have more kids, and if my life is burdened with Clara having Autism, and if I'll always have health problems, or if I'll never have money, I will try my hardest to hold onto my God with all my might and all my strength. Because He is the only one who can offer me peace. Even if it's hard for me to look up to the heavens and sing hallelujah for my trials, I know the other options only lead to bitterness and anger. And I can't have that. 

My friend proceeded to tell me that she is glad I have something to lean on. (God) She told me life sucks sometimes. I agreed. She then said that she hopes I know my life can be beautiful despite my trials. And then she gave me hug and held my hand while I cried.