Being in a position where I have had to accept help from others a lot, it started to feel embarrassing and heavy on my heart. This last miscarriage was my third in a row, and I started to believe that I was a burden to those around me. I was convinced that many thought in their heads "Again??" or "I helped her last time." I wondered if people felt like having to come to my rescue with meals was getting old, or if they felt tired out from having to try to comfort me and think of the right things to say....again. I realize it can be a financial sacrifice and takes emotional effort to comfort those who seem to constantly suffer.
Despite feeling these things deeply, God showed me that I was in fact not a burden to Him. And that even if others may have truly thought those things, there are plenty more people in my life who have showed up every single time I am in need.
During this last devastating loss, many did not diminish my pain just because I have been through it so many times before. Often it felt like they knew I was aching ten times more than ever, because the demon of miscarriage reared its ugly head yet again and hit me where I had not yet healed from last time. But some did. And some made some comments that made me feel that we are indeed an eternal unlucky family.
But I can honesty say that with every single act of service, I cried. They were often tears of stress, embarrassment and hoping I wasn't a burden. But more often they were tears of peace. They were tears because I could feel the love of my family and friends pour upon me, and I was grateful that people made the effort once again to shower me with love and support. God didn't let me fall through the cracks, and I am so grateful for the life long lessons I have learned of what it means to mourn with those that mourn, no matter how long or often they seems to suffer and be in need. I can show up. I can say nothing and know that even a hot meal or a hug can make all the difference in the world.
I want to remember the flowers, care packages, gift cards to eateries, kind texts or phone calls and meals for my family. I want to remember how it made me feel and learn how I can be better in remembering, loving and lifting up those souls who are looking to feel the Savior in their lives, especially if they are worried someone might not show up again. Some of my most profound experiences in the Lords love for me have been through other people and them taking time to lift me up. Even with my current suffering of headaches and exhaustion, I've been offered support. This has resulted in me having an even deeper fire in me to be the Lords hands for him here on this earth and love His children.
I'm grateful for all who love and serve. I'm grateful for the Savior and His willingness to atone for my sins and my pain in all forms. I'm thankful for this gospel that encourages us to bless those around us and for the many examples from the scriptures that shows us the blessings from doing so.
And I'm grateful for my suffering, because without it I wouldn't be the best I could be for the Savior to serve and love my brothers and sisters in the ways He needs me to.
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