Mammogram

Everyone has experiences in their life that classify themselves as scary, unsettling, lonely, terrifying, unnerving or even traumatic. 

The majority of mine have been in the form of health problems and hospitalizations. I had a sweet friend of mine tell me she had to go by herself to get a blood draw and an xray on her chest and she was so scared she cried for days before and after because she was so scared. She called to tell me she couldn't believe that I do things like that all the time, especially so often alone. I smiled after I hung up the phone with her but also felt a bit sad. I'm proud of how far I've come with how second nature it is and even comfortable in hospital and Dr settings. I know which arm has my best vein, which blood pressure cuff I like, which kind of nurses and Dr's are usually nice or usually rude, which meds they administer for certain procedures or illnesses, machines they use, all the sounds and beeps that you hear and especially how to advocate for myself. I'm really proud of that one. 

But no matter how often I find myself back in hospital, Dr's office, operation room, or waiting to get a procedure done, it equally pains me and causes deep emotional turmoil. I am comfortable and familiar only bc I am sick so often. I have had many surgeries. Lost so many babies. Had so much undiagnosed physical pain. I go to most Dr appts alone and with surgeries I am usually left alone for long periods of time without Erwin, so I learn to rely so much on my Savior to accompany me. And on top of this it usually sets my anxiety off like a sky high burning firecracker that I often can't seem to get under control.

After my last miscarriage I had terrible right breast pain, shoulder pain and rib cage pain. The burning, achiness and sometimes skin blotches and fiber knots felt were unbearable and often I couldn't sleep at night or focus during the day. I tried homeopathic meds, topical ointments, oils, pain meds, heat, ice, different bras, TENS unit, massage...everything. And nothing worked. I finally had to go through the long journey of making phone calls and Dr appts to see if we could figure this out. In the meantime, I my anxiety was through the roof and I wasn't sleeping. I cried a lot. The physical pain, emotional worry and pure exhaustion was once again plaguing my life. 

After a physical exam it was determined I needed further testing. It took forever to be seen since all hospitals in the Utah County area were booked for weeks. This was my third mammogram. Yup. Third. By the age 35. And every single time some Dr had determined I needed one for one concern or another. Talk about overwhelming and traumatic.

The morning finally came and I rushed to the hospital. I was grateful for those who let me know they were praying for me bc I always get teary eyed at these things. Every waiting room is different and I always leave with a goal to contact the hospital to ask if I can donate things to help make them feel more calm and warm.

My tech was great. She was super super chatty, which is usually what I want but for some reason her constant stories and questions made me feel overwhelmed and nervous. After the mammogram they had my sit in a small dressing room in my gown and wait to see if they think they see anything concerning enough to move on to an ultrasound. Turns out I needed more looking at. My heart started to race. This happens to me every single time. It gets a different and more intense look than a mammogram does. This tech eventually got up and said she had to go get the radiologist. I was assuming the worst and felt the affects of being alone. Why else would she go get him? Bc she saw something? He needed to deliver the bad news? I now needed a biopsy? I was left alone for 5 min. I cried the whole time and wiped my tears away when they entered the room. The radiologist was kind. He re did the exam and chatted with me about how I have fibrous knots that look and feel like lumps. He then told me to try icing my breast for the pain, and left. 

I went home not knowing exactly what happened. Did he see something? Or was it just the knots? Was I going to get a call later? That is usually how it works, after all. After many prayers, we are assuming all is okay. Many weeks have passed and I haven't heard from them. I have an appt with my OB to go over the results next week, and if they had seen something concerning I know I would have gotten a call by now.

So ultimately, I have yet again terrible pain that no one can explain nor knows how to help me with and another emotionally packed visit all alone physically, but definitely knew my Savior was with me. And although I am tired in my young 35 yrs of life of it all and wish it would stop, I KNOW that the Lord needs me to go through all this. He is not only refining me in my own life to strengthen myself and my faith, but to be ready to serve and support those around me to suffer as well. He needs me to be His hands and love them through knowing exactly what they might be going through and feeling. And if I can love His children and offer any type of comfort, it is worth it. Bc that is all that matters to me when I suffer.